Warning Sign #3: Torturing Small Animals
Serial killers typically do not feel remorse when they harm animals. I do not intentionally harm animals, and I am overcome with remorse if I happen to accidentally torture a creature. Seriously, one time a beautiful monarch butterfly got crumpled in the grill of my car, and I wept like a sinner in Church.
As you already know, I've had terrible luck with animals. Last semester, I ran over a cat. I was so devastated that I skipped class and polished off an entire tub of ice-cream. I'll also remind you of the three furry creatures that got locked inside the utility closet. Their death was tragic, horrifying, and messy. Last year, my beloved fish was dying, and I couldn't flush it down the toilet, so I stuck it in the freezer, hoping that turning the thing into a popsicle would be the most merciful way to bring about an inevitable end.
Well, my tragic animal encounter this morning just might reign supreme. I was driving to school, and a small bird decided to take a dump on my windshield as I was stuck at a red light. I was slightly angry because I try to maintain a clean vehicle. After all, I am a classy lady. The bird was still on my windshield, so I turned on my windshield wipers. The bird's wing and leg got caught in the windshield wiper, and it was unable to free itself. I was absolutely mortified, especially as the light turned green, and I was driving with a suffering bird trapped on my windshield. It was particularly embarrassing to see fellow drivers gawking at my car. They were probably wondering what kind of insensitive monster would condemn a bird to such a gruesome fate.
I drove for a good ten minutes.... with a bird stuck on my windshield. I finally got to school, and when I lifted up the wiper, the bird flew away with a seriously injured wing. I gingerly removed some feathers from the wipers. I still feel terrible. I feel like there are several animals in Animal Heaven that are seriously ticked off with me.