Saturday, January 17, 2015

Small Town Quirks

Ephraim is weird, and when you live in such a small town, you start to to notice certain quirks.

1.  Ephraim is surrounded by turkey farms and... normal farms, I guess.  When you walk out of house, the air smells particularly fresh... like manure and the stuff that comes out of animals' rears.  It smells like this all the time, and you feel like the sensory neurons in your nose are dying.

2.  Ephraim is a pretty boring place because there is nothing to do.  The big hang-out is Walmart, and the store attracts its own species of strange shoppers.

There's my mom's favorite, the NRA junkie:


And the scooter grandparents:


And the whining child: (just multiply this kid by, say, a thousand)


Needless to say, Walmart trips are interesting.

3.  Ephraim could use an extreme make-over.  People's yards are atrocious.  There are dead weeds everywhere, the front porches are falling off, and you often find things like this:
If I had a dime for every time I saw a rusty car in a yard...
And then there's Main Street, which is pretty run-down with all of its old buildings.  People could also use some decorating help, too.  The Main Street Diner has big glass windows at its entrance, and on display is a creepy, porcelain doll.... the kind that murders you while you sleep.

4.  Next to Walmart is the second biggest hang-out: the cemetery.  But living people don't hang here, of course.  The expired kind do.  In Ephraim, the dead outnumbers the living.  I think people who make eye contact with the doll at Main Street Diner end up here.

5.  Now this quirk is not so much a bad thing.  In fact, it shows how nice people are in Ephraim.  When you're driving, everybody waves to you, even if you don't know them.  But on the occasion that some unknown person waves to you, a slight feeling of guilt settles in your gut because you don't know him/her.  Everybody is so neighborly, and so you feel the pressure to be neighborly.  But I am not very good at being neighborly.  I feel more like Scrooge, or the Grinch, or Oscar the Grouch, or Grumpy.

So... can someone pretty please visit me?