Thursday, June 30, 2016

ALL Manner of Creeping Things.

Lately I've been feeling extremely paranoid and spastic.  For those of you who know me well, this is, of course, not unusual behavior for me.  But anyway, it all started on a sunny Tuesday morning at about 6:45am.  I woke up, and there was a black spider on my chest (my breast to be specific).  I hate spiders.  I screamed bloody murder, threw off my shirt in a frenzy, and ran to the kitchen.  When I felt composed enough to take care of the spider (20 minutes later), it was gone.  Thus, I haven't slept in my room for about a month because somewhere... there is a little demon that lurks.

This was only the beginning.  When I sit on the couch and feel the slightest tingle, I leap away in Olympic fashion and look furiously for a spider.  One time, when I was dozing off (in the guest bedroom), I saw something black fall on the freshly laundered sheets.  I screamed again, only to find that a black hair elastic had exploded from my hair (which happens frustratingly often).  A few weekends ago, I was taking a shower when I felt something strange in my hair.  I pulled out a FAT black ant (which was just as disgusting as a spider).  By this time, I was thoroughly creeped and was willing to swallow a gallon of DDT if it kept things away from me.  

But it gets better.  God saw it fit to place flying fowls, insects, and all creeping things on our wonderful world.  And all of them have managed to terrorize me, so God must love me.

One afternoon, I came home from school to find something black hanging on the corner of my door.  It looked leathery and strange, and at first I thought it was a deformed slug.  But as I inched closer, I saw black fur.  I had my suspicions about this creature's identity, but to "say it... out loud" was to ask the unspeakable.  The landlord was working on the house across from mine and asked me how my day was.  He was really nice, so I asked him if he could identify the... thing on my door.  He readily agreed, shimmied his ladder on over to my place, looked up closely and said, ".... HOLY S**T, that's a BAT!"  Then he said, "Call your father," and promptly shimmied away.

After the bat fiasco, I noticed a replacement in that same corner of my house:
   Indeed... a bird's nest.  And the birds even left gifts for me all over my front door and lamp.  I wasn't sure if I could remove the nest because I couldn't see any eggs.  If there were eggs, I wouldn't have been able to remove the nest due to some bird, protection, wildlife, nature, Bambi preserve or something.  So, while I waited for my dad's help, the outside of my house was swarming with birds.  And I hate birds, too.  They flew right over my head, they screeched when I was close to the nest, and I'm convinced that they stared at me as they sat on my lamp.  I felt like this:


And perhaps the cake on top, I was not happy to notice an unexpected visitor, just three days ago.  It was really hot outside, and I have beautiful but hot skylights in my house.  So understandably, I wasn't exactly... entirely clothed.  I sat in my favorite chair reading a book when suddenly, I saw a leg resting on top of my beautiful but hot skylight.  I freaked out and ran in the different room and tried to figure out what was going on without being spotted (by then, I was decent).  It turns out, some construction workers were doing some maintenance, which required going on top of the house.  And as smokin' as I feel partially clothed, I really really really hope they didn't see me in my glory.


Oh, and for my friends who asked, my research and writing on a certain "creeping woman" is terrorizing me, too.  Cheers.

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